Paranormal Activity 2 is out in theaters just in time for Halloween—hard to believe it was about a year ago that the first one scared up $193 million in worldwide box office on a slight budget of $15,000—and Star Costumes would like to take a moment to commemorate the event with a look back on the last 10 years of horror movies and, in particular, scary or disturbing scenes. These do not have to be jump out of your seat moments, though they can be. The number one criterion is this: did they haunt you long after the closing credits?

What scares us is about as subjective as what makes us laugh, so read on with a skeptic’s eye and some consideration about the last time you raced down a darkened hallway hoping that something would not jump out of the shadows and eat your soul.

For us, the scariest scenes of the last 10 years are:

10. Deadgirl (2008)

What It’s About: Deadgirl was a surprisingly well-received horror flick from 2008, and while it’s hard to find any repeat viewing value in the story about a group of boys who stumble upon an imprisoned woman incapable of dying within the bowels of a basement, there are some very disturbing moments. When the boys discover that the nude woman is impervious to murder, these seemingly normal kids start to experiment with the depravity inside themselves, figuring she mustn’t be human so why treat her as one?

The Scare: With each act of victimization, we know that whatever evil put her there for the boys to find will pollute their entire lives. The first scene where one of the boys starts to have hallucinations about the woman turning the tables on him, so to speak, is a hint of things to come and benefits from some quick cutting and very unnerving camera work.

9. Rogue (2007)

What It’s About: Tourists in the Australian outback must contend with an oversized crocodile looking to inflict grievous bodily harm. This little gem of a movie was a pleasant surprise and a throwback to monster-movie making sensibilities of yore, when the director understood that the less you see of the monster the better. With multiple character arcs woven seamlessly into the plotline and a strong cast, which includes Radha Mitchell, Michael Vartan, Sam Worthington, and John Jarratt, this shocker builds to a riveting finale.

The Scare: While the film is riddled with uneasiness and a few popcorn-flinging shots, the best comes at its climax when hero Vartan finds himself discovered in the beast’s lair. The extended fight sequence with a convincingly rendered croc will have you tensed up, filled with dread, and holding on to your fingers for dear life. (You’ll know what I’m talking about when you see it.)

8. Wolf Creek (2005)

What It’s About: Three backpackers are stalked and hunted by a rugged serial killer. Wolf Creek boasts that it is “based on a true story,” which means it plays rather loosely with the murder of British tourist Peter Falconio and the assault of girlfriend Joanne Lees. The attack occurred in July of 2001. Bradley John Murdoch was the accused assailant, and was still on trial when the film came out. He was eventually convicted of murder, deprivation of liberty, and aggravated unlawful assault.

The Scare: Liz (Cassandra Magrath), one of the unlucky three, is rummaging through her stalker’s garage, looking for a way to freedom. She finds a set of keys and crawls behind the wheel of a car. What happens next isn’t that original, but it is handled with expert craftsmanship by actor John Jarratt and writer-director Greg Mclean.

7. The House of the Devil (2009)

What It’s About: A college student, presumably in the 1980’s, struggles with money until she finds a job babysitting for a strange couple (Tom Noonan, Mary Woronov). When Samantha (Jocelin Donahue) arrives at the house, she discovers that she won’t be babysitting a child but a reclusive old woman. Things really start to get freaky after that. Writer-director Ti West has a perfect grip on classic 80’s horror, and his entry would fit in well among the best, leaving the many posers and pretenders of that decade in the dust.

The Scare: Megan (Greta Gerwig) comes across a stranger on the way home from dropping off Samantha at her gig. Things get ugly pretty fast.

6. The Last House on the Left (2009)

What It’s About: Wes Craven’s amateurish original received a much-needed update from director Dennis Iliadis, who benefited from a stronger cast, more polished camera work, and better filmmaking skills than a 1972 Wes Craven possessed (or 2010 Craven for that matter—have you seen My Soul to Take). The story, which was a remake of Ingmar Bergman’s The Virgin Spring to begin with, is still a powerful tale of revenge that forces you to identify with some people who do some pretty horrible things in the name of vengeance. Given what the Collingwood family goes through in this film’s 110 minutes (114 for unrated), you can’t really blame them for sticking a man’s head in a microwave and blowing it up.

The Scare: The Last House on the Left’s scares come not from a “jump out at you” fixation and bludgeoning musical cues, but from forcing the audience to witness two girls helplessly victimized by a group of thugs. The rape scene, while not the most disturbing ever filmed, still packs a wallop, and the prolonged torment that the teenagers must go through makes you feel uneasy about yourself and what you’d be capable of if forced to deal with the attack of someone close to you. After watching The Last House on the Left remake, vigilante justice seems perfectly understandable. Coming to that realization as a supposedly “civilized” person is enough to really shake you.

5. The Descent (2005)

What It’s About: Forget the over-the-top sequel; the original directed by Neil Marshall (Dog Soldiers) is about a grieving wife and mother, who escapes with her daredevil friends to go caving. As darkness enfolds the explorers, a slimy, grisly group of predators stalk them through the claustrophobic surroundings, using their sense of smell to feed on fear.

The Scare: Even though some pretty creepy and gruesome stuff happens down in the caves, the scariest parts of The Descent are the ones leading up to the bloodbath. Multiple viewings can’t quite prepare you for the death of Sarah’s (Shauna Macdonald) husband and child. Marshall gets you during the accident, and he doubles back to hit you with a hallucination a bit later in the film. Both scenes use sound and unexpected timing to perfection.

4. Inside (2007)

What It’s About: It’s Christmas Eve and Sarah (Alysson Paradis) is alone. A car accident claimed the life of her husband leaving her well along in her pregnancy and facing motherhood without help and without hope. That evening, a visitor comes knocking on Sarah’s door. The woman, dressed in black, claims car troubles, but there is something unsettling about her. Sarah doesn’t trust her, and with good reason. Soon, she will be killing everyone Sarah knows and loves with a pair of scissors and anything else she can get her hands on. Her target: the baby growing inside of Sarah’s stomach.

The Scare: Many great Grand Guignol scenes highlight this twisted hybrid of slasher and Night of the Living Dead. No, the woman isn’t a cannibal or zombie, but that same theme of isolation and fear dominates a superb effort from directors Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury. The scariest scene for me was when Sarah’s mother drops in to check on her daughter and discovers that she is locked away in a bathroom for her own protection. You probably have a good idea of what happens next.

3. Session 9 (2001)

What It’s About: Brad Anderson directs this moody psychological horror movie about an asbestos removal team, who take on a job cleaning out an old abandoned mental hospital. The cast is one of the strongest you’ll find in a horror film with David Caruso—no really, he’s good in this—Stephen Gevedon, Paul Guilfoyle, Josh Lucas, and Peter Mullan. The great thing about Session 9 is that you can go back to it time and time again and engage in rather healthy film school chatter with your friends as to what’s really going on with it long after the final frame.

The Scare: Actor Josh Lucas plays Hank in the film, and there is a scene where Hank is exploring the mental hospital alone at night that will have you on the edge of your seat. Even so, the nod for scariest moment would have to come at the end where you start to piece together the subtle mysteries of the film to the soundtrack of a demented voice, who recounts the night she murdered a family member. It’s the perfect overlap to a bloody climax, and the kind of scary that ignores cheap jumps to leave the audience with a hair-standing sensation.

2. Let the Right One In (2008)

What It’s About: Oskar (Kare Hedebrant) gets picked on a lot by the boys in his school. He’s smaller and more susceptible to violence. Eli (Lina Leandersson) is the girl next door, but she’s not really a girl at all. As their relationship grows, Oskar finds friendship and acceptance in the eyes of Eli, who is in reality more than 100 years old. She’s a vampire, who only appears to be a 12-year old. And the closer the two get, the more she’s willing to use her “gift” for Oskar’s benefit.

The Scare: Let the Right One In owes much to the performances of its child actors and director Tomas Alfredson. For most of the 115 minutes, the children are the main focus of the film, yet the audience seems to forget their youth, getting immersed in the story as it moves along. Watching Eli dispatch her victims is bad enough, but when you factor in an odd and disturbing moment where Eli enters Oskar’s home uninvited, you’ve got a horror flick that sticks with you. Probably the most disturbing thing about Let the Right One In is its crowd-pleasing finale, which makes the audience cheer something so heinous. While The Last House on the Left forces us into the violent revenge fantasy of killing rapists, drug addicts, and murderers, Let the Right One In will have you cheering aloud the deaths of what are essentially children. And you may never look at school swimming pools the same way again.

1. The Girl Next Door (2007)

What It’s About: Based on the crime-fiction novel by Jack Ketchum, which explores in quite vivid detail a real-life case of child abuse and murder, The Girl Next Door is scary because it pretty much did really happen, though the names have been changed. While the film itself doesn’t hide under the true story banner as many do, it is shot like a film rather than a seedy exploitation romp. Nevertheless, there are some horrible scenes of abuse that will stick with you long after you’re done watching it. Another film, which starred Catherine Keener and came out around the same time (An American Crime), wasn’t nearly as effective or graphic as this haunting assault on audiences everywhere.

The Scare: Ruth Chandler (Blanche Baker) is a horrible woman. She strips young Meg Loughlin (Blythe Auffarth) of every last piece of humanity that the child has, and makes her neighborhood playmates take part in the torture. Meg hangs by her wrists in Ruth’s basement and is basically crucified for the entirety of the film with one of the last shocking jolts coming as Ruth takes a blowtorch to Meg. It’s a horrible scene, and no matter how prepared you are for it, you can’t help but be affected.

What scares you? What will be on your Halloween watch list? If we left any out, please feel free to let us know in the comments section.

The Cos Blog has a lot of love in its cold black heart for slashers and costumed killers. If you don’t believe that, then just feast your eyes on some of our previous blog posts. It’s easy when dispensing so much love to the teenage hack-and-slash genre to forget all about the monsters that helped make horror what it is today.

While kids still dress up as Frankenstein, Dracula (sometimes Nosferatu), and the Wolf-Man every Halloween, we believe there are some other pretty great monsters, who deserve a little costume love of their own. And even though the appropriate coordinates may still not be in place for an authentic, officially licensed version, we’d love to see this year’s trick-or-treaters dress up as one or all of the following:

(Note: You actually can find a few licensed versions of some of the costume characters listed below, but they don’t run cheap, when available at all.)

1. Katydid from The Beast Within (1982)

The Strengths: Philippe Mora directed this rural shocker about a couple, who must endure their teenage son’s frightening metamorphosis into a bloodthirsty beast. Tom Holland (Psycho II, Fright Night) wrote the script from Edward Levy’s novel, and veterans Thomas R. Burman, Fred Cramer, and Gary Elmendorf brought to life what is essentially a giant man-sized katydid (a lot scarier than it sounds).

The Beast Within gets a lot of mileage out of that changing scene, which employs air-bladder effects, the same Rick Baker used in An American Werewolf in London.

The Drawbacks: The finished product isn’t quite as intense as the transitional product, which is pretty hard to make and also quite difficult to explain. You may just want to stick with a midnight viewing instead.

2. Quetzalcoatl from Q: The Winged Serpent (1982)

The Strengths: As the movie’s title indicates, Q is a kick-butt demon with the elongated wings of a bat and a head that comes very close to looking like a serpent’s. We notice a bit of dinosaur in there, too, but those two aren’t a heck of a lot different. Watching the neighborhood children try to deal with Junior’s get-up would totally be worth a purchase.

The Drawbacks: Writer-director Larry Cohen’s film is pretty doggone bloody, complete with a skinning, and that’s before Q even shows up. With a tagline like, “Its name is Quetzalcoatl…just call it Q, that’s all you’ll have time to say before it tears you apart,” the all-ages qualities are a bit lacking. Still, that’s not really a drawback if the ensemble is for you. However, maneuvering a headpiece that would boast a floppy giraffe neck may not be what you want from a Halloween costume.

3. Pumpkinhead from Pumpkinhead (1988)

The Strengths: That name is a pretty literal interpretation of what Pumpkinhead actually is. With a noggin that looks like something you’d kick around the pumpkin patch and a mouth full of imposing razor-sharp teeth, the costume gets creepier when you factor in the three-toed talons and the deadly claws this baddie will bring to the Halloween Party.

The Drawbacks: FX director Stan Winston handled the main director chores for this monster movie classic, and we think he did a pretty fine job. The original spawned a few horrible sequels, but remains untouched in its reputation as one of the best of its kind and a Halloween staple. With that said, choosing this as your October 31st get-up could draw sneers from people who’ve watched only the sequels and vicariously believe the original sucked.

4. Rawhead Rex from Rawhead Rex (1986)

The Strengths: Rawhead Rex boasts a mouth that takes up a little more than half his face when fully open. Inside that mouth are some large fangs second only to his claws in the amount of damage they can inflict. Much of his forehead protrudes underneath a dirty mop of long black hair—sort of reminds us of the werewolf-in-transition from John Landis’s horror classic An American Werewolf in London. Creature is human enough, so a costume would not require any special skills or considerations in the wearing.

The Drawbacks: Writer Clive Barker was not a fan of his character’s filmed version, so you may run in to Barker purists, who will deride you for celebrating a movie character so hated by its creator. Nevertheless, we think it’s scary enough they’ll keep their mouths shut.

5. The Unnamable from The Unnamable (1988)

The Strengths: One of the unsung heroes of monster movie lore, this hideous, slimy she-devil was created by famed horror and science-fiction writer H.P. Lovecraft in his 1923 short story, “The Unnamable.” The 1988 film of the same name is conventional dead teenager fare, but at the same time, a lot of fun. It also spawned a decent direct-to-video sequel in The Unnamable II: The Statement of Randolph Carter (1993). The monster bears cloven hooves, an old hag’s face, and devil horns while exuding a willowy-like eeriness.

The Drawbacks: Until this thing gets re-released on DVD, no one will probably get the reference. Still, it should scare loose a change of underwear.

6. The Boogens from The Boogens (1981)

The Strengths: A cult classic loved by many a monster movie fan including one Stephen King, The Boogens is a wonderful and bloody little romp that captures small-town life and classic creature feature styling into one nice, gory package with modern sensibilities. The creatures look like really pissed-off turtles, which may not sound like much until you see them with teeth hanging out ready to strike. Ripe for a reinvention, it would be nice to see what improved FX could do for these creatures. At the time, the directors made the wise move of keeping them largely in the shadows, but they did a heck of a job on the headpiece. Track one down or make it yourself. Pair that bad boy up with a TMNT costume, and you’ve got a true original for Halloween.

The Drawbacks: If you were concerned about folks not getting the reference on The Unnamable, then you’re really going to have some trouble being recognized as a boogen. Like Lovecraft’s creation, however, you shouldn’t have a problem raising a few heart rates.

7. Baby from It’s Alive (1974)

The Strengths: Larry Cohen, the same guy that gave you Q (see #1), is back to ruin the beauty of childbirth. Unexpected pregnancies are scary in and of themselves. They are still the best argument for safe sex, and perhaps none at all, because of the enormous toll they take on your personal life and your personal finances. When that same baby looks like a fanged demon and wants to kill you, forget about it. This costume could combine the hilarious standard of a man dressing as a baby with the horror hallmark for which Halloween is known—bloodthirsty monster madness.

The Drawbacks: Wearing a diaper is never one of those things we adults look forward to, but with this costume, you must. If you’re already feeling down about the probability of having to wear one for real in the next couple of years, then you may want to pass on this one.

8. Boggy Creek Monster from The Legend of Boggy Creek (1972)

The Strengths: Charles B. Pierce was perhaps the father of modern independent horror. Before Blair Witch Project came along, he was shooting documentary-style horror flicks like The Town That Dreaded Sundown and this film, for which he is most known. The Legend of Boggy Creek features a monster that takes its cues from the famous Yeti, but spreads its terror to the rural landscape of Fouke, Arkansas. By bringing a timeless monster to what has been defined as America’s heartland, Pierce sends a message to everyone in the nation: you aren’t safe anywhere. His film has generated $20 million in revenue to date. Not bad for a $100,000 budget.

The Drawbacks: Getting mistaken for the Himalayan Bigfoot when you’re shooting for hick monster can be frustrating to Southern-fried sensibilities. Make sure your costume has three toes on each foot, red eyes, and a monkey-like posture and movement pattern. It may also help to growl with a bit of a twang.

9. Gill-Man from Creature from The Black Lagoon (1954)

The Strengths: More than a half-century old, director Jack Arnold’s little B-movie about a fish-man hybrid has stood the test of time. The creature, now known as Gill-Man, was both menacing and sympathetic as he struggled to show his love for the stunning Julia Adams while killing his way through a team of explorers. The original spawned two sequels, Revenge of the Creature (1955-featuring Clint Eastwood) and The Creature Walks Among Us (1956). Of the big time movie costumes that you can track down in time for the holiday, this one is the most likely. It was also a heavy influence on Mike Mignola’s Abe Sapien when he created Hellboy and the BPRD. As with everything in Hollywood, a remake is on the way.

The Drawbacks: Full body from head to toe, the costume will get hotter the closer you get to a duplicate of the original. Like walking around in your own personal mini-sauna, Gill-Man as worn by you is not something we’d suggest taking a whiff of when the night is over, especially for those of you with small bladders.

10. Alien from Alien (1979)

The Strengths: Slick, slimy and dark, the Alien from Ridley Scott’s original has terrorized audiences for more than 30 years unless you hold every film after the second one against it. We prefer to block those from memory. Whatever you decide, Alien the film is still creepy and effective. It’s impossible to come face-to-face with someone in an Alien mask without feeling at least a little uneasy (unlike most of the monsters on this list, you actually can buy an Alien mask).

The Drawbacks: Try all you want, but you’re not going to get a version of this costume that spits acid. A head-to-body replica may also break the bank for Halloween. As long as you don’t mind telling trick-or-treaters to do their begging elsewhere, this may be the costume for you.

11. Predator from Predator (1987)

The Strengths: Director John McTiernan (Die Hard) brought the Predator to life with a solid film that blended elements of action, horror and science-fiction to create a suspense-thriller that has endured in spite of Predator 2 and the ill-fated AVP films. Predators (2010) may have gotten the series back on the right track, but if history is any guide then we may be in trouble should there be any follow-ups. The creature’s look is by now iconic. Part-giant, part arachnid, part Rasta, he will ruin a day or two if you ever cross him (like the Alien mask, there is a Predator mask available, and even a hybrid PredAlien mask, none of them cheap).

The Drawbacks: You may just want to stick with the helmet and the armor. Adding the fangs and the facial grotesqueries would be expensive and so time consuming that all the fun would probably get sucked out of that special day along with your money. As for invisibility, you’ll have to leave that one to the folks at Apple. They’ll think of something.

12. Jaws from Jaws (1975)

The Strengths: Steven Spielberg’s classic summer blockbuster was one of the greatest monster movies ever made at the time of its release. Many believe it still is. No arguments here. Its title character had a name unlike the other sharks swimming in the deep blue sea, and like Dracula or Frankenstein, that gave him some identity beyond his species. Maybe the name was never mentioned in the film itself, but to the audience, there are sharks, and there is Jaws. One is a natural predator. The other is an otherworldly cold-blooded killer. They look alike, but know this: there is only one Jaws. For the costume get-up, you’ll have to make the head piece mean and nasty. Perhaps sprinkle some fake blood on the teeth. For the body, try to keep the color consistent with the top. Good luck down below.

The Drawbacks: You can’t walk upright on fins and without the concealment of water, and that John Williams score, to scare everyone you’re probably going to look like a mascot for a beer company.

13. Pennywise from Stephen King’s It (1990)

The Strengths: Show us the guy, who wasn’t scared by Tim Curry in this 1990 mini-series, and we’ll show you someone who’s just trying to impress a lady. Curry prides himself on looking weird. Stick that mug behind clown paint, give him a funny nose and some needle-like teeth, and you’ve got a whole generation of children, who never want to go to the circus again. The giant 50’s sci-fi spider that Pennywise morphs into at the end is laughable. King’s story should have kept him in clown form. But then again, we’re not sure how much more of this Bozo we could have taken.

The Drawbacks: Are you kidding? Everyone’s afraid of clowns—especially this one. Suit up and knock ‘em dead.

For many, it isn’t a real holiday unless there is some low-budget horror movie attempt with fake blood and bad acting to capitalize on the festivities. Surprisingly, a few of these flicks are pretty good—others, not so much. Join the Cos Blog as we take a look at the best and worst horror movies from every holiday.

Halloween

The Best: Dark Night of the Scarecrow (1981) — Halloween purists are going to hate us for this, but the original Michael Myers appearance, though solid, is not the best Halloween film ever made. That honor would have to go to the moody, atmospheric chiller Dark Night of the Scarecrow that features Dr. Giggles himself (Larry Drake) as mentally retarded Bubba. Murdered by a group of locals led by Charles Durning for a crime he didn’t commit, Bubba comes back as the holiday approaches dressed as a scarecrow—or does he? From director Frank De Felitta, this made-for-TV terror bests John Carpenter’s Halloween by a hair, and if you don’t believe that, well, give it a watch now that VCI Entertainment has released it in a new special edition just in time for the 31st. We make no apologies.

The Worst: One More Minute (1979) a.k.a. The Day After Halloween — One More Minute (1979) makes the cut as the worst Halloween movie ever made because it is more popularly known as The Day After Halloween. While many of the Halloween films out there—and there are a bunch of them—are pretty solid, this one is a bloodless affair that in a cheap marketing ploy changed its name to The Day After Halloween in order to cash in on John Carpenter’s 1978 classic. We’re guessing November 1st didn’t have the same ring to it. Everything wrong with movie marketing is represented by this Simon Wincer-directed fiasco starring Sigrid Thornton as a woman into modeling who is being stalked by an ice cream truck driver. Destined for those hideous Mill Creek 50-movie collections you can buy on DVD.

Honorable Mention: Halloween (1978) This would easily be the best Halloween movie ever made if not for Dark Night. Scary precisely because we don’t know why Michael is doing what he’s doing, the scary was quickly stripped away from Haddonfield’s infamous killer when they started trying to expand the Myers-Laurie Strode mythos. In the original, he is a faceless, unhinged personality, and about as true a representation of the boogeyman as has ever been put to film. The series would soon attain idiocy of epic proportions as the “story” grew. If not for Halloween: Resurrection and One More Minute, the Zombie remakes would be slotted up there in the Worst position.

Thanksgiving

The Best: Home Sweet Home (1981) — Director Nettie Pena has the pacing down, but can’t seem to bring characterization or suspense into the mix. While Home Sweet Home is not a boring film—sporting interesting turns out of “Body by” Jake Steinfeld and a young Vinessa Shaw (3:10 to Yuma remake)—it is not a particularly good one either. The kills are poorly shot and the story never develops enough to warrant a second look. As one of the only Thanksgiving-themed horror films out there, it leaves a lot of room for improvement. But it does a hell of a lot better job making a mess of the holidays than does…

The Worst: Thankskilling (2009) — Thankskilling is a cheaply made, unfunny parody of monster movies and holiday horrors. Low-budget production values and horrible acting make this very nearly unwatchable. Of course, it does have one thing going for it: that tagline. “Gobble, gobble, motherf#@!er!” Eli Roth’s Grindhouse trailer Thanksgiving totally gets the spirit of these movies unlike Thankskilling. Here’s hoping Roth will one day give it the feature treatment.

Christmas

The Best: Black Christmas (1974) Like Halloween, Christmas is a holiday that has often been celebrated by the horror community. The best effort is without question 1974’s Black Christmas from Porky’s and A Christmas Story director Bob Clark. Suspense powers most of the film unlike its blood-drenched 2006 remake. Clark’s film gives us some of the most genuinely frightening phone calls in the history of film, while also delivering stylish and suspenseful murder scenes on a hip young cast that includes Margot Kidder, Olivia Hussey, Keir Dullea, and Andrea Martin. The killer is kept in the shadows at all times, and the “calls are coming from inside the house” device starts here.

The Worst: Santa’s Slay (2005) — Santa’s Slay (2005) starring professional wrestling washout Bill Goldberg as a maniac dressed like Saint Nick. It was done far better in the horrible Silent Night, Deadly Night series if that gives you any idea of how much the filmmakers deserve a lump of coal in their stockings.

Honorable Mention: Inside (2007) — Inside is the best Christmas horror since the original Black Christmas. This French shocker finds a pregnant widow isolated in her home on Christmas Eve as she is stalked by a scissors-wielding madwoman dressed in black. Not for the squeamish, this is a moody, suspenseful, and violent little gem.

New Year’s Day

The Best: New Year’s Evil (1980) — In New Year’s Evil, you’ve got Roz Kelly (best known as Pinky Tuscadero on Happy Days) doing battle with a maniac, who promises to kill a woman as the clock strikes midnight in each time zone. His final target is Kelly, who plays Blaze, a punk rock queen hosting a sort of Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year in Hell celebration. Where New Year’s Evil screws up is showing the killer’s face too early—Kip Niven just isn’t that creepy—and using the clown mask, which is horror movie gold by the way, to little effect. Even though it’s the best of this holiday, New Year’s is one time of year that could use more attention from the horror community.

The Worst: Bloody New Year (1987) — Bloody New Year is another misfire from Norman J. Warren, director of Horror Planet and Alien Prey. This particular film follows five British teenagers seeking asylum in an abandoned island hotel, which has been decorated for the New Year. Catch is it’s the middle of summer, and we all know decorations should be down by then. In the 90 minutes that follow, the teens discover they should have made a resolution to stay away from spooky hotels that want them dead. Unfortunately, we as an audience are the ones terrorized by bad FX and acting in what is essentially a pretty droll haunted house film.

Valentine’s Day

The Best: My Bloody Valentine (1981) — Valentine’s Day, or V.D. as we like to call it, is a holiday more obsessed with real flesh-and-blood killers than anything supernatural. In 1980, George Mihalka gave audiences the reigning champ of V.D. horror flicks with My Bloody Valentine, a film that takes the tried-and-true slasher formula and puts an original spin on it with a group of twenty-something miners as the main targets instead of the standard bunch of obnoxious teens. The victims in My Bloody Valentine are a likeable lot, and the triangle between T.J. (Paul Kelman), Axel (Neil Affleck), and Sarah (Lori Hallier), is compelling and human for a cheap low-budget horror flick. In 2009, director Patrick Lussier revisited the legend of killer Harry Warden with a slick and bloody homage that wasn’t quite as good as the original, but still plenty fun.

The Worst: Valentine (2001) — Valentine is a slick-looking $29 million horror movie with a Cupid mask-wearing killer and loads of potential from its talented cast, which includes Katherine Heigl, David Boreanaz, and Denise Richards (okay, two out of three ain’t bad). Unfortunately, the murder set-pieces lack invention and the ending is damn near incoherent. And it’s worth noting, just to save any of you Heigl fans from the travesty of watching this crap, that the Life As We Know It star is the movie’s first victim, so don’t get too used to her.

St. Patrick’s Day

The Best: Leprechaun (1993) — Little person Warwick Davis has spent a significant portion of his life dressed as a leprechaun. In 1998, he starred in A Very Unlucky Leprechaun, but the role that’s been paying his bills for nearly two decades is as the murderous green-clad demon in the Leprechaun series, totaling six in all. By far the best of these is the original, and, folks, that’s not saying much. Sure, it does star Jennifer Aniston, but before you get too awfully excited about that, keep in mind she’s in her feature film debut here. There wasn’t much she could do to save it. The writing and directing from Mark Jones is all over the place. Leprechaun isn’t sure what it wants to be—suspense-driven or comedic parody of the horror genre. It’s lousy at both, and with only four deaths, there isn’t a lot here for gore hounds either. Somehow, though, it made money. Shame on you people!

The Worst: Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood (2003) — Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood takes the bad joke of the leprechaun terrorizing “tha Hood” to a new low. One of the few times a direct sequel has been made using a sequel instead of the original as its source material. Bad puns, amateur gore effects, atrocious acting, poor writing, lousy direction, and a complete missing of the point of what it means to be a horror movie pollute an otherwise fine film.

April Fools Day

The Best: April Fool’s Day (1986) — The first of April is the little horror holiday that could. In spite of us not getting a day off work, it has still spawned three scary movies in its honor. The first April Fool’s Day, directed by Fred Walton of When a Stranger Calls (1979), When a Stranger Calls Back, and The Rosary Murders, was another one of those great spins on the slasher formula with an ending that was completely unexpected. Audiences didn’t seem to mind it either. Shot for $5 million, the film grossed $12.9 million and led to similarly themed films in 2007 and 2008. Both were terrible, which brings us to…

The Worst: April Fool’s Day (2008) — It’s hard to tell what April Fool’s Day (2008) is: a remake of the original, an independent horror movie built around the holiday, or just a gobbledygook mash-up of every bad horror movie cliché with no soul, no creativity, and no limits to its own stupidity. Ah, the last one, that’s it. It doesn’t help that the talent-less Scout Taylor-Compton is featured in the role of Torrance Caldwell. Many of you remember her as the Jamie Lee Curtis’s replacement in the Rob Zombie Halloween series. In part two, you hear her scream, cry, snot, and act like a buffoon for the whole thing. She’s not quite as detestable here, but adding her to any cast is a kiss of death.

Mother’s Day

The Best: Mother’s Day (1980) — Leave it to Charles Kaufman to defile the day in which we celebrate our mothers. The Troma Studios player, who is an executive producer on the 2011 Darren Lynn Bousman-directed (Saw 2-4) remake, first shocked audiences by taking Car 54 and The Phil Silvers Show regular Rose Ross and turning her into a bloodthirsty mongrel to two mutant sons, who like to torture, rape, humiliate, and murder young women. As Troma-associated movies go, this one leaves a rather disturbing impression.

The Worst: Mother’s Day (1980) — Mother’s Day is a depraved film that drew the ire of critics at the time. Many might even say it belongs here instead of up there. But given Bousman was the guy responsible for Saw 3 and Saw 4, we’re pretty certain that when his remake hits next year, this space will need to be reserved.

Memorial Day

The Best: Still waiting…

The Worst: Memorial Day (1999) — The spate of horror creations that came in the wake of Scream did the genre little favors. Memorial Day is one such misstep. Poorly written, plotted, directed, and acted, it’s a textbook example of how not to make a horror film. Rachel’s brother was mysteriously killed a few years before. Now in typical slasher movie fashion, the heroine must return to the scene with a group of her friends to face what happened. What comes next is derivative of derivative of derivative (i.e. it sucks).

Fourth of July

The Best and The Worst: Uncle Sam (1997) The genius of William Lustig and partner Larry Cohen gave us Maniac Cop, but it also shat out this forgettable zombie-slasher hybrid about a Desert Storm veteran, who returns home to terrorize his hometown on the nation’s birthday. A good setup, creepy Uncle Sam costume, and several bloody kills may make it worth one watch, but the good qualities are ultimately hindered by slow pacing, poor acting, and an unsatisfying conclusion.

More for the Holidays

If the above haven’t sated your thirst for some good holiday horror, check out this selection of some of our other favorites.

Halloween

Trick or Treats (1982)
Trick or Treat (1986)
Night of the Demons (1988)
Satan’s Little Helper (2004)
Boo (2005)
Trick ‘r Treat (2009)

Christmas

Silent Night, Bloody Night (1974)
Christmas Evil (1980)
To All a Good Night (1980)
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
P2 (2007)

At the heart of every horror movie waits the tragedy of those who die too young. Some may argue that anyone who dies of unnatural causes dies too young. Those people have never seen the horror movies on this list. With the right mix of ruthless maniacs and obnoxious victims a murder scene can quickly become a public service.

You’ve heard of the killers—Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, Angela, Cropsy—but do you know their victims? These are the ones who couldn’t get away because they were too stupid, too arrogant, too selfish, too abrasive, too obnoxious, too bitchy, too gangsta, too sleazy, too whiny, and even too retarded. In summary, yes, they deserved to die, and we hope they burn in Hell!

11. House of Wax (2005)

The Victim: Paige Edwards (Paris Hilton)

The Setup: Six friends encounter a ghost town where the only remaining life is two murderous psychopaths, who are keeping the family wax museum in operation one dead body at a time. Paris Hilton—need I say more?

The Punishment: Paige is one of the unlucky six, but really the primary one that makes us feel unlucky for buying a ticket. Thankfully, this piece of crap is no longer cluttering up our movie theaters, but any time you want to see one of the more obnoxious characters in horror movies, you can always head down to the local video store and rent this one.

(Those still out there?)

Anyhow, Paige acts exactly like the young lady, who plays her, and no, that is not a compliment. Please don’t take this as a death threat, Paris Hilton, but Paige just had to go. And go she did! In fitting fashion, Paige gets her brains poled out. Paris wouldn’t want it any other way.

10. Sleepaway Camp (1983)

The Victim: Kenny (John E. Dunn)

The Setup: Sleepaway Camp did The Crying Game long before there was a crying game, and it was a lot scarier and more shocking in 1983 than it ever was in the 1992 crime-drama. While there were many victims in Sleepaway Camp who you could make a case for, including Ms. Hair-Curler-to-the-Lady-Parts, the most annoying was a punk kid named Kenny, who pitched in with the bullies just so he wouldn’t get the crap kicked out of him.

The Punishment: Kenny annoys you throughout because he’s one of these guys—and they’re out there—who has Little Man’s Syndrome. You know the type. Not very big, but they want you to think they’re tough, so they make sure they pick on people with the help of a support group. But perhaps more annoying than that is the song Kenny sings just before his killer pops up under the overturned boat where he waits on what he believes will be a piece of tail. Kenny gets drowned by what is essentially a pre-teen girl. Take that, you sissified piece of garbage with a mullet.

9. Cheerleader Camp (1988)

The Victim: Timmy Moser (Travis McKenna)

The Setup: Cheerleader Camp’s classic looking video box of a skeleton in cheerleader drag hints at what should be the greatest slasher movie of all time, but it never quite rises to its potential. Part of the reason is because of a douche bag named Brent Hoover and his tubby friend Timmy. While I could have done without both these guys, Timmy was pound-for-pound more annoying, and we all know what happens to fat people in horror movies.

The Punishment: Timmy and Brent lead one of the worst rap routines ever filmed or recorded, setting white rappers back 10 years. If not for Eminem, they’d still be suffering the aftereffects of this and Vanilla Ice. As punishment for the rap (and for being fat—horror movie rule not mine), Timmy is gutted like a Christmas turkey.

8. Halloween II (1981)

The Victim: Budd (Leo Rossi)

The Setup:
The second entry in the popular Halloween series starts where the 1978 original ends. It all takes place on the same night making Michael Myers into one of the most prolific mass murderers per film capita. It wasn’t until he crossed paths with Budd, an EMT at Haddonfield’s city hospital that he really did the world a favor.

The Punishment:
Budd first gets on audience nerves when he cites some fictitious rule book as obnoxious characters are wont to do in horror movies. “Rule number one, don’t get involved with patients!” He then takes off on the old gospel hymn “Amazing Grace” with a questionable rewrite of the lyrics. Aside from fashioning himself a ladies man, Budd is a character just void of any human decency.

Thankfully, we’ve got Michael to put him out of our misery. The scene happens mostly off-screen, and is somewhat disappointing in that regard, when Budd goes to check on the thermostat to the hospital hot tub.

7. The Burning (1981)

The Victim: Glazer (Larry Joshua)

The Setup: Set at a summer camp where a charred maniac makes mincemeat out of mostly likeable teenagers with garden sheers, the only weak link in the sympathy chain was Glazer.

The Punishment: Glazer uses the fact that he is older and bigger than the other kids as a ticket to respect. Again, what good are horror movies if they can’t deliver just desserts to the people who torment others to feel better about their selves? And just what could be troubling Glazer? How about the fact that he’s a Minute-Man in the sack? Luckily, Cropsy puts the erectile dysfunction case at rest with a tree trunk and those trusty sheers.

6. Happy Birthday to Me (1981)

The Victim: Greg Hellman (Richard Rebiere)

The Setup: Virginia “Ginny” Wainwright has a bad feeling that she may be a killer. When her so-called friends at the Crawford Academy—the self-proclaimed Top Ten—start dying in horrible ways, Ginny has vivid memories of their murders.

The Punishment: Greg Hellman is the type of guy that snaps photos of his crap and sends it to everyone he knows before flushing. He is so full of himself that he honestly believes there’s nothing he can do wrong. He takes great pride in his looks and his muscles, which is kind of funny because it seems to me that when the killer receives an opportunity to 1-8-7 him, it’s because Greg can’t lift 225 pounds one time.

(Not a hell of a lot by muscle-man standards.)

As he struggles to hold it up with the rack pulled from safety, the killer smashes his man-parts with another weight, causing the 200-plus to come crashing down on his head. Thank you.

5. Open House (1987)

The Victim: Barney Resnick (Barry Hope)

The Setup: Someone is killing off the buxom, built, and ready real estate hotties in town, and only fellow real estate hottie Lisa Grant (Adrienne Barbeau) and her impossible-to-like boyfriend Dr. David Kelley (Joseph Bottoms) can save the day. Luckily for Dr. Kelley, there is someone far more detestable in this film deserving of his comeuppance. And that man’s name is Barney Resnick.

The Punishment: If you gave Brion James ovaries and had him mate with Gary Busey, then their child would have the face of Barney Resnick but with half the talent. You can blame Hope for the looks and the acting. Everything else blame on the character. And by “everything else,” I mean the chauvinism, the objectification of women, the threats of violence toward them, and the seedy perversion he emanates in every frame. Thankfully, the killer has enough near the end of the film and removes his head since it really does the character more harm than good anyway.

4. Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)

The Victim: Joey (Dominick Brascia)

The Crime: Friday the 13th Part V tried taking the high road by having a Jason-inspired killer, who was very much human. Unfortunately, the idea and the execution were two different things. Nowhere is this more apparent than how the film depicts the mentally handicapped.

The Punishment: Joey is enrolled in a summer camp for troubled teens not far from the site of the Camp Crystal Lake murders. Of the kids in the group, he is the only one who might be classified as mentally retarded. But instead of being played with authenticity and sympathy for the condition, Brascia’s Joey is true retard, overweight and bursting at the seams with a Santa Sack full of stupid.

Watching this kid eat a chocolate bar, you’ll never look at one the same way again. By the time Vic (Mark Venturini) does him in with an ax, you’re just glad that Joey can’t screw up any more of life’s little joys for you.

3. Don’t Go in the Woods

The Victim: Craig (James P. Hayden)

The Crime: Maniac is loose in the woods, tearing people limb from limb. The main characters are supposedly Peter, Ingrid, Craig, and Joanne, though they get about as much screen time as some of the random victims. Of the four, Craig is the one who knows the woods, and also the one who issues the title warning. What he doesn’t know, however, is how to act. And to be singling out one bad performance in this sea of crap speaks volumes for just how offensive he truly is.

The Punishment: By the end of Craig’s first scene you’re ready for him to die. High school acting troupes possess more raw talent than Hayden brings to the role. Mercifully, he’s hacked up while playing a joke on one of the girls, so you get to see him leave the world only seconds after dancing like a buffoon and shouting, “He’s going to get you! You can’t escape!” And that’s made doubly annoying by the fact that this guy pronounces his “g’s” at the end of all “-ing” words. Of course, it isn’t all Hayden’s fault. Director James Bryan has no idea what he’s doing. On the special edition DVD, he tries to play it off like he made the movie this bad on purpose. But this kind of incompetence can’t be created. It’s a special kind of talent.

2. I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)

The Victim: Barry William Cox (Ryan Phillippe)

The Crime: Four friends make a huge mistake at the behest of the pushy one in their crew and live to regret it one year later when each receives a note with an ominous warning: I know what you did last summer. Scary.

The Punishment: Barry convinces his friends that it’s a good idea not to report what appears to be vehicular manslaughter. As a result, the roadkill returns to exact its revenge on the four of them one year later, hook in tow. Barry, playing tough guy and screaming at everyone through most of the movie, gets thrown around and stabbed repeatedly like the little bitch that he is near the end of the film. Of the four friends, he is the first to go. Fitting if you think this guy is as much of a punk as I do.

As if Phillippe weren’t easy enough to hate already, you have to listen to him scream his lines and spit all over the cast and crew for 100 minutes. Where were you, Mr. Fisherman, when he was convincing that angel Reese Witherspoon that getting married would be a good idea?

1. Friday the 13th Part 3 (1983)

The Victim: Shelly (Larry Zerner)

The Crime: Jason’s not dead. A bunch of stupid teenagers are. Among the next batch of victims is a portly young fellow with a hockey mask named Shelly. If not for contributing the iconic look to everyone’s favorite campfire killer, my vote would be to string Shelly up like a piñata and take swings at him with a machete.

The Punishment: We get to see Shelly with his throat torn open though I wish director Steve Miner would have at least had the courtesy to show us the kill. Why so much hate, you ask? Throughout the film, Shelly eats a lot, whines a lot, complains about wanting people to like him, asks for sympathy from other characters, begs for compliments, misinterprets a girl’s feelings, runs off pouting when she doesn’t want to humiliate herself by having sex with him, and resorts to stupid pranks to try and win friends. He is a small, insignificant, disgusting lard body, who defines himself by the way others see him. Sort of like a politician.

For every crappy horror movie franchise that’s been made there are many other crappy franchises we would love to see. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the slasher sub-genre. Killer-thrillers have always taught teenagers how to practice social responsibility and adhere to Judeo-Christian morality without resorting to the preachy-ness of a Sunday morning sermon.

Now it’s time to take a look at the boogeymen, who were only given a short time in the pulpit. While the general movie-going public encouraged one Chucky/Leprechaun/Jigsaw crap-fest after another, we pined for the return of these horror gems.

Join us as we delve in to the 11 horror heroes who should have had their chance to kill again. Read on as we relive their 15 minutes, daydream about lost sequels, and search for a suitable director from the genre’s field of budding talent to breathe new life into cinema’s most overlooked butchers.

1. The Unknown Soldier from The Prowler

His 15 Minutes:

Joseph Zito’s 1981 classic will freeze your blood. A masked killer in fatigues with bayonet and pitchfork stalks a New England town on the 35^th Anniversary of an unsolved double homicide. Graphic impalements, head stabbings, and slit throats abound (of the latter, this movie features one of the best courtesy FX man Tom Savini).

Had There Been a Sequel:

Unlike Jason and Michael, the Unknown Soldier was flesh and blood. (And by the end of the movie, not so unknown, and not so capable of starring in a sequel.) No problem there. If Halloween: Resurrection taught us anything, it’s that you can make it impossible for a killer to come back, yet still have him appear in the sequel. But for The Prowler 2, our vote rests with a copycat killer in the bloodline of the original.

Dream Director: Alexandre Aja (Piranha 3D, The Hills Have Eyes remake, High Tension)

2. Cropsy from The Burning

His 15 Minutes:

Gather around the campfire to die! Cropsy (Lou David) is a hideously scarred maniac, who is about to learn an upstate New York summer camp a thing or two about respecting their elders via garden sheers—really sharp ones! The Tony Maylam-directed, Weinstein-produced slasher flick was one of the very first produced by Miramax Films. Also from 1981, that great decade of blood, boobs, and teenage evisceration, The Burning reigns supreme as the ultimate campfire slasher movie. And yes, that includes Friday the 13^th! Also stars Jason Alexander, Fisher Stevens, and Holly Hunter.

Had There Been a Sequel:

Cropsy is more of a monster than a human killing machine. For sequel recommendations, see the Friday the 13^th series. Add in more decapitations, squirting blood, and wholesale teenage raft slaughter from which Friday the 13^th Part IV: The Final Chapter borrowed, and you’ve got another classic. Careful using the word “ripoff” in relation to this and the Friday series, too! Both films featured the FX work of Tom Savini, and this was written by Harvey Weinstein prior to Friday’s release.

Dream Director: Adam Green (Hatchet, Hatchet II)

3. Madman Marz from Madman

His 15 Minutes:

Writer-director Joe Giannone was one of the first to cash in on the blossoming slasher craze of the 80’s with this 1982 vehicle originally based on the Cropsy legend. When word reached set that a film called The Burning had beaten him to the punch, Giannone created his own mythos in Madman Marz to whom Hatchet’s Victor Crowley owes a debt of gratitude. Marz swears by the axe in this body count flick, though he’s also not opposed to using his bare hands or even a car hood in taking off heads and impaling stupid teenagers.

Had There Been a Sequel:

While there is a temptation to turn Marz loose on a new group of unsuspecting teenagers—this was, in fact, Giannone’s original plan for his yet-to-be-produced sequel—perhaps a prequel is in order that shows Marz as he was before being strung up and maimed with his own axe. We know he’s a violent thug, who abuses his family. Someone turn Rob Zombie loose on this thing!

Dream Director: Rob Zombie (The Devil’s Rejects, House of 1000 Corpses, Halloween I and II remake)

4. Groucho from Terror Train

His 15 Minutes:

October 1980 saw the release of this moody, atmospheric little gem that pitted a group of pre-med college seniors and western movie actor Ben Johnson against a Groucho Marx mask-wearing killer, who proved to be a master of disguise throughout. Many of Groucho’s kills take place off-screen, though the finale is energetic and suitably blood-soaked.

Had There Been a Sequel:

Okay, we admit that a sequel to Terror Train would be really hard to pull off. To begin with, it’s a film driven more by gimmick than story. But let’s try this: 30 years later a pesky rich student at the same college from the first film decides to throw a Halloween Party on the same train as before. An uninvited guest shows up to crash the party, taking on the identities of his victims after he kills them. No one knows if Groucho has returned or if there is a secret in the not-too-distant past that is responsible for the murders.

Dream Director: Ryuhei Kitamura (The Midnight Meat Train)

5. The Hag from Curtains

His 15 Minutes:

Director Richard Ciupka didn’t want his name on this, instead giving credit to the film’s fictional director Jonathan Stryker (played by John Vernon), who invites six actresses to his secluded mansion for a casting call that turns deadly. The murder scenes are largely bloodless, but boy does this film have spooky imagery and jolting, effective horror! Taking center stage is the Hag, an unknown killer with old woman mask and scythe.

Had There Been a Sequel:

In Curtains 2, a washed-up director at the end of his career is doing schlocky horror films in order to keep working. He decides to make a film of the Jonathan Stryker story and begins with a casting call at the same old mansion only to find that history has a way of repeating itself.

Dream Director: Bryan Bertino (The Strangers)

6. The Porcelain Doll from Alice Sweet Alice

Her 15 Minutes:

Alfred Sole’s 1976 horror-thriller boasts a killer that you cannot remove from your head, no matter how hard you try. The Porcelain Doll mask that defines this yellow raincoat-wearing, butcher knife-toting maniac is almost as scary as anything she can do. And then the killing starts. Whether burying a blade to the hilt in a fat man’s gut or stabbing a priest through the side of the neck, there is no depth of depravity to which “Alice” will sink. But is it really Alice behind the mask?

Had There Been a Sequel:

Though unnecessary, I’d love to see The Porcelain Doll on screen again. The gate was certainly left open for it. Really, though, a sequel would be more of an excuse to see bloody kills at the hands of a hideous killer than an exercise in coherent storytelling. We’ll just go for a remake instead.

Dream Director: Tomas Alfredson (Let the Right One In)

7. “Daddy” from The Mutilator

His 15 Minutes:

Put away all preferences for quality story and acting. This is by-the-numbers schlock distinguished only by its unbelievably sadistic kills. Made in 1985, it is still a tough movie to top when it comes to depravity. Troubled Ed goes home to look after Daddy while bringing a group of friends (cough, victims) with him. Vaginal hooking, boat motor disemboweling and various limb removals highlight the “fun.”

Had There Been a Sequel:

Who needs story when you’ve got plain old butchery? The Mutilator 2 would follow in the footsteps of the original for set-up and would pour its creativity into murderous set-pieces. To pull it off right, you’d need a guy in the director’s chair who could really bring the pain. And the winner is…

Dream Director: Robert Hall (Laid to Rest)

8. Humongous from Humongous

His 15 Minutes:

Who knew that getting raped at a cocktail party could produce murderous offspring of enormous—dare I say humongous—proportions? This 1982 slasher-monster movie hybrid from the folks who brought you Prom Night—the good one, not the remake—follows in the same vein as Friday the 13^th. Sure, it’s nothing more than a body count movie, but like The Burning, which is a superior film by the way, it relishes in its depravity—at least in the hard-to-find uncut version, which boasts an unnerving rape scene/evisceration by dogs.

Had There Been a Sequel:

Oh hell, Humongous 2 would be only as good as its murders. But the same applies to virtually every horror sequel ever made, good and bad, so film on!

Dream Director: Neil Marshall (The Descent, Dog Soldiers)

9. Father Malius from Happy Hell Night

His 15 Minutes:

Father Malius (Charles Cragin) is one of the creepiest SOB’s ever put on film. A murderous priest with a Nosferatu head and black eyes, he takes great joy in terrorizing college kids with his pickaxe, including a young Jorja Fox and Sam Rockwell. You are probably unaware of this flick if you’re the type that didn’t catch it during its early 90’s run on the premium channels. Made in 1992, the slasher genre was resting comfortably in its grave when this went into production. It has since picked up a strong enough following to garner a DVD release, which is more than some of the films on this list can say.

Had There Been a Sequel:

No Cragin, no sequel—that’s what we say. And information on this cat is few and far between. But if you insist on a Happy Hell Night 2, we’d have to say resurrect Zachary Malius and have him go after a Christian Summer Camp, raspy one-liners in tow.

Dream Director: David Arquette (The Tripper)

10. Aunt Cheryl from Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker

Her 15 Minutes:

It’s no spoiler to tell you Aunt Cheryl (Susan Tyrrell) is the killer in the 1982 classic BBNM (a.k.a. Night Warning). Despite this one being much maligned for making the U.K.’s infamous Video Nasty list, my dad managed to track down a copy of it here in the States during the mid-80’s. What followed was a nightmare that has haunted me most of my life, and I thank him for it. It was only four years ago that I finally tracked it down and gave it another watch, and, yep, Aunt Cheryl still has the kind of maniacal face and demeanor, thanks to Tyrrell, to haunt your dreams. In BBNM, director William Asher has made a slasher film that brings the scares based solely on performance while also dealing with the then-taboo topics of homophobia and incest.

Had There Been a Sequel:

Billy, on the run from accusations he is gay, proves everyone wrong and starts a family of his own. He has a child, a little girl, to help cope with the memory of Aunt Cheryl. Just when it seems the worst is behind him, she hits puberty, and with hormones raging, takes on the spirit of her great aunt, who still wants Billy for her own. When it comes out that Billy really is gay, there’s hell to pay for the town’s eligible bachelors. Jimmy McNichol and Alia Shawkat star.

Dream Directors: Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury (directors of Inside)

11. The Housekeeper from Death Screams

His 15 Minutes:

Some rumors during the 90’s that this film was directed by Ruggero Deodato using David Nelson as a pseudonym are just not true, though you certainly couldn’t tell it from the level of extreme violence that Death Screams (a.k.a. House of Death) shows in its last 30 minutes. The truth about the director is that is his real name, and he is the older brother of singer/actor Ricky Nelson and one of the stars of the classic TV sitcom The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet. But there was nothing at all Ozzie and Harriet about this bloodbath, which features multiple garroting, machete slashing, decapitations, and a particularly graphic bisection.

Had There Been a Sequel:

Borrow some from The Prowler for Death Screams 2. It’s been 30 years since the fair was last in town and a plethora of dumb college kids were turned into hamburger meat. Now it’s back, and it’s not coming alone.

Dream Director: Eli Roth (think Thanksgiving, not Hostel)

For every Friday the 13th, there is a Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday. For every Nightmare on Elm Street, there is a Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge. For every Saw, there is a Saw 3 through 28. In other words, for every great horror movie, there is a heinously crappy sequel.

There are a lot of great horror films in the genre’s century-plus history, but it’s time to venture into the dark side of the Dark Side. Sit back, Fright Fans, and feast your eyes on something truly horrific—a list of the 12 crappiest sequels in horror movie history!

12. Saw V (2008)

The guilty: David Hackl took the reigns for this fifth sequel and shows none of the chops that made the James Wan original such a fun and inventive film. In his defense, the franchise started sucking at part three, but this one reaches new heights.

The screw-up: This movie lacks the ingenuity of its predecessors. The torture and death scenes have no originality, and most of the original cast had been killed off by this point, so viewers aren’t very emotionally invested in the death scenes anyway. There are only a few scraps of the original story left to work with, so there is not a whole lot there, and the ending is ambiguous and unsatisfying. Overall, it is a major disappointment for those who love the first films.

A better idea: When you run out of ideas, stop making movies. Simple as that.

11. Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000)

The guilty: Director John Ottman and writers Silvia Horta and Paul Harris Boardman. Shame on you!

The screw-up: This movie fails in just about every away imaginable. The acting is sub-par, the gore, save for one murder, is non-existent, and it occurs at the beginning of the film. And that also just so happens to be the only urban legends-based death to boot! Mix in a moronic twist with “twin” brothers, and you have a disjointed masterpiece of bad filmmaking.

A better idea: Use urban legends in your movie about urban legends. Have a plot. Hire some talent. You know, the basics!

10. Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

The guilty: Scream! It’s all Scream’s fault!

The screw-up: Halloween: H20 is a Halloween film that veers away from focusing on how deadly Michael is and instead opts to gimmick it up with Jamie Lee Curtis, while flashing up a sign that says, “Look at all of today’s hot young stars getting in on this!” H20 was a derivative of the Scream formula, which itself was derivative of bad slasher movies from the Eighties. But as bad as H20 was, it did give us a somewhat satisfactory ending. Or so we thought. That’s where Halloween: Resurrection comes in to play, which is derivative of a derivative of a derivative, and thus, very crappy. Just in time to strip the original series of any dignity it had left. The way they “explain” Michael’s decapitation is a copout on par with Bobby Ewing’s return to Dallas, and it takes you out of the movie completely. And that’s before Busta Rhymes even shows up!

A better idea: Leave headless Michael dead and buried.

9. Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 (1986)

The guilty: Tobe Hooper should have been ashamed of himself for this outing, which was a long-awaited sequel to his classic 1974 film. While Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III and Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The New Generation were both god-awful films, they were pretty much expected to be. When you have a 12-year wait between a horror classic and its follow-up sequel, with the same director returning and Dennis Hopper attached, you expect a lot more than slapstick Three Stooges humor with chainsaws.

The screw-up: Director Hooper went with a more tongue-in-cheek approach, which was a real head-scratcher considering how unsettling his original film was. While part of you wants to admire his striving for originality, not wanting to make the same film twice, another part of you wants to stick him in a room with Leatherface for desecrating the raw and foreboding tone of the original and creating a comedy instead. It was a gamble that didn’t pay off.

A better idea: Most of the time when a sequel goes bad, it happens because the filmmakers try to stray too far from the source material. They try to do something “bigger and better,” and end up with a contrived mess. Such is the case with Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2. The only positive was FX man Tom Savini’s Grandpa—a delightfully disgusting pleasure.

8. Blade: Trinity (2004)

The guilty: Writer-director David S. Goyer got a bit carried away with his own creativity prior to Batman Begins and decided to suck the blood out of the hero vampire franchise he’d helped build himself, taking the Marv Wolfman character from Marvel Comics’ Tomb of Dracula series and turning it into one of the more successful action film series of the late Nineties/early Aughties. Each effort after the 1998 original grew exponentially worse until all that was left was a short-lived TV series on Spike TV that happened to be a lot better than this final theatrical outing.

The screw-up: Again, it’s that damn curse of bigger is better. Not only does Goyer bring back Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) in contrived fashion, he also throws Whistler’s daughter Abigail (Jessica Biel) and Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds) into the mix. This time, Blade is not acting alone. He’s a mentor for a whole army of vampire killers. Parker Posey, known for her quirky and often humorous roles, takes the lead as villain Danica Talos, a bit of casting which does nothing for the suspense factor. And the WWE’s Paul Levesque (Triple H) co-stars as one of Danica’s minions. His acting gives Hulk Hogan’s a run for its money. Oh yeah, and did we mention that Wesley Snipes is in this and plays the title character? That’s what happens when you get too many kooks in the kitchen.

A better idea: Keep Whistler dead, have Blade embrace the role of loner anti-hero, keep the vampire killers in the background, and tell Triple H to stick with wrestling.

7. The Final Destination (2009)

The guilty: Director David R. Ellis is child actor alum alongside Kurt Russell. Unlike his colleague, Ellis never really grew up. He coordinated stunts for much of his career before getting a chance to shine with Final Destination 2, a film that he actually knocked out of the park. So how could he be guilty of an atrocity that is every bit as bad as the other is good? Unfortunately, some people do not know how to respond to success. While legends are able to reproduce it on a somewhat regular basis, Ellis is the type of guy who chooses to follow it with Cellular and Snakes on a Plane.

The screw-up: CGI has grown to ridiculous levels in this film franchise. The first and second entries did a fine job of using it to accent the blood and guts rather than simply spilling everything in phony baloney digital glory. There are comic books that look more real. From the Wile E. Coyote improbability of the opening race car catastrophe to the laughable movie theater finale, The Final Destination is a movie that uses computers to suck all the fun out of gory death.

A better idea: The first film’s graphic plane crash and the second’s even worse log truck accident set a pretty high standard to live up to. The third one couldn’t do it on the rollercoaster, but it came a lot closer than the eye-rolling hysterics of this fourth entry. The only thing more ridiculous is perhaps the title of part five—coming soon to a theater near you—5nal Destination.

6. Scream 3 (2000)

The guilty: Director Wes Craven does this one without writer and series creator Kevin Williamson, who decided to get out while the getting was good. In his place came Arlington Road-Reindeer Games writer Ehren Kruger, who had the unenviable task of bringing home the final chapter of the supposedly planned trilogy. The results are all the proof you need that Scream was a franchise born out of a love for the Almighty Dollar rather than anything bearing artistic integrity.

The screw-up: Everything changed in this movie. Established characters fell flat, and the plot twist, when the real villain is “finally” revealed, made absolutely no sense in the greater context of the story. Billy, the original villain who had more than enough motivation to be the mastermind of those murders is really just a pawn in the hands of the “real” mastermind, whom we have never seen before this movie, and see very little during it.

A better idea: A copycat killer and a new cast may not be original, but it would have definitely turned out better than this mess.

5. Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000)

The guilty: Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sanchez handed the reins to Joe Berlinger for this sequel. An interesting choice, as Berlinger was most well known for his work on the controversial and compelling documentary Paradise Lost. He should have been a great choice given the documentary style of the original film. But that concept was abandoned in favor of a traditional movie narrative. Berlinger also used the film as a personal soap box, making a few pointed references to his previous work throughout.

The screw-up: This is a classic example of a movie sequel trying to ride the notoriety of the original without having any merit of its own. There is nothing about Blair Witch 2 that expounds upon or develops the plot of the original, which really didn’t have a plot either beyond 80-90 minutes of shaky camera work and college kids shouting obscenities with no real direction. Oh, and by the way: there is no “Book of Shadows” in the movie. The name must have just sounded cool.

A better idea: The first was nothing more than a clever marketing ploy, though it did popularize the guerrilla filmmaking technique. A better idea would have been to return to that concept and reveal a bit more of the horror that we didn’t get to see the first time.

4. Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985)

The guilty: The second film in Wes Craven’s Elm Street saga was an unmitigated disaster. No one denies that. But blame cannot be assigned to the horror icon himself as he really had nothing to do with the Jack Sholder-directed and David Chaskin-written fiasco. Whether the ultimate responsibility lays with these two or not, their big screen careers languished as a result. Sholder went on to direct random TV outings for series like “Tremors” and “Mortal Kombat: Conquest,” while Chaskin’s work was limited to films such as The Curse, I, Madman, Midnight’s Child, Love Hurts, and an episode of the long forgotten horror anthology series “Monsters.”

The screw-up: Razor-handed boogeyman Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) and male lead Jesse (Mark Patton) seem to have a homoerotic undercurrent running between them. Krueger spends most of the film trying to “get inside” Jesse. Meanwhile, Jesse’s sadistic coach frequents gay S&M bars, cementing the fact that in the production’s entirety, there isn’t a single flattering portrayal of alternative lifestyles. No matter where you fall on the issue of Gay Rights, the movie sets itself up to fail by inching over into political territories its near-sightedness is not prepared to handle and veering away from what it’s supposed to be: a horror movie. Also, the acting and writing stinks.

A better idea: Abandon the Freddy possession storyline. It didn’t work—that’s why it never turned up again—and keep Freddy’s cracking wise to a minimum.

3. Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

The guilty: New Line Cinema acquired the rights to the Sean S. Cunningham creation after the abysmal film that was Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. While Dean Lorey and Jay Huguely’s script—and Adam Marcus’s direction—did the film zero favors, the responsibility ultimately rests on the production company.

The screw-up: Why blame New Line? Instead of borrowing from the films that made the franchise popular—I-IV, and VI and VII, to a lesser degree—they choose to build on the idiocy that started with VIII, which was, until that time, the worst of the series. Reveal more about who Jason is and what makes him indestructible. Sprinkle in a stupid overarching plot that finds Jason leaping from body to body circa 1987’s The Hidden. Bake at $2.5 million, and pull one of the worst horror sequels in history out of the oven after about 87 minutes.

A better idea: This film makes the mistake of thinking that we must have everything explained to us. That we must know why Jason keeps getting up when you hit him with a pick-axe or a shovel or a bulldozer. It stinks. No one goes to a Friday film for story development. They instead want to see what creative methods of murder the vengeful psychopath will have hiding behind his hockey mask. This is one rare occasion where it is best to stick with the formula.

2. Stepfather III: Father’s Day (1992)

The guilty: Each of the Stepfather movies had a different director, so writers Carolyn Lefcourt and Brian Garfield, who wrote all three, are most to blame for this misfire. Granted, Robert Wightman’s acting in place of Terry O’Quinn didn’t help. Neither did the sissy heroics of child actor David Tom.

The screw-up: When Terry O’Quinn did not return to his role for this made-for-TV drudgery, the writers used a lame plastic surgery plot twist. Oh, and that paralyzed kid in the wheelchair? Have him magically overcome his disability in time to save the day at the climax. One of the worst examples of an unnecessary sequel cashing in on name recognition!

A better idea: Different actors and no originality? Give up.

1. Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)

The guilty: Director John Boorman didn’t care for the original, and it shows in his sequel.

The screw-up: The acting is terrible. Not necessarily because the actors lacked talent, but because they have absolutely nothing to work with. The dialogue, even the names of the characters (Pazuzu? For a demon? What is this, It’s a Wonderful Life Goes to Hell?), are a joke. The plot is a jumbled mess and hard to follow, and the ending? Locusts swarming, house crashing, complete lack of explanation as to what happens to the main characters. There is nothing of the suspense or true horror of the first movie. Instead it’s just a very expensive, Hollywood-raped version of the original.

A better idea: Get rid of John Boorman. A person who did not like the first movie has no business directing the sequel. Bring back William Peter Blatty, the original writer for both the first Exorcist movie and the novel on which it is based. He did a terrific job with the follow-up to this film, The Exorcist III.

Is it me or do remakes rule the box office? Oh sure, we all complain about them. No one wants them. Why can’t you just leave well enough alone? A classic is a classic! Hollywood must be out of ideas!

Well, it’s time for a newsflash. Remakes are just as much a part of filmmaking as original ideas. It’s always been that way. It’ll always be that way. And it’s all your fault. Well, yours and mine. See, we’ve been endorsing remakes for years without even knowing it. From acclaimed director William Friedkin’s 1977 Sorcerer (which was a remake of 1953’s The Wages of Fear) to maestro Alfred Hitchcock’s The Man Who Knew Too Much (which was a remake of his own movie), great directors have been all about the do-over, and, in the cases mentioned above, have produced far better results. Bad remakes are no worse than bad movies. Neither should ever be made, while the reverse is true for good remakes and good movies. Bring on all of those that you can, Hollywood. We’ll be waiting.

So enough whining. Yes, sometimes it turns out horrendous. (I’m looking at you, Prom Night.)

Other times it’s just what the doctor ordered. Nowhere is this more obvious than in the horror genre. Following are 10 horror movie match-ups from yesterday and today, singled out and sequestered for your enjoyment and approval (or disapproval). The criteria for these:

• No Americanized updates of contemporary foreign films (Let the Right One In / Let Me In)

• No adaptations of widely known contemporary works (Seriously, how many Dracula adaptations would we have to go through?)

• No movie adaptations of television shows (Twilight Zone: The Movie)

• No television remakes of feature films (Carrie, The Shining, Salem’s Lot)

Now on with the show!

Psycho: 1960 vs. 1998

1960	1998
Psycho

Robert Bloch’s classic horror novella came to the big screen in 1960 thanks to Alfred Hitchcock’s able hands. Starring a perfectly cast Anthony Perkins as Norman Bates, inn-keeper of the Bates Motel and slave to his brutal mother, Psycho shocked audiences and made it hard for anyone who watched it to take a shower with the door unlocked. In 1998, Gus Van Sant tried to rekindle the magic, but his decision on shooting the same movie shot-for-shot in color with a cast led by Vince Vaughn as Bates gave one cause to ask the question, “What’s the point?” If you’re not bringing something new to the table, why bother with a remake at all? It wasn’t as if Hitchcock left out much of the Bloch novel to draw anything new from. The only real difference comes in the shower scene. In Bloch’s book, Marion Crane is decapitated. Both movies opt for a tamer approach.

And the winner is: The Original.

The Amityville Horror: 1979 vs. 2005

1979	2005
The Amityville Horror

Give George and Kathy Lutz credit. Their story about a supposedly real-life haunted house and demon possession frightened readers and, later, movie audiences in the 70’s. More than 30 years later, there has been no additional haunting for the folks on 108 Ocean Avenue. There have been a string of bad sequels and a slew of well-meaning tourists making life miserable for the inhabitants to occupy the real house since the Lutzes fled in terror. In 2005, director Andrew Douglas took another crack at the tale, originally helmed by Cool Hand Luke director Stuart Rosenberg and starring James Brolin and Margot Kidder as the unlucky couple. For the second turn, Ryan Reynolds and Michelle George took the leads and proceeded to outdo the initial effort. While the first film had been solid to a point, it started to unravel at the end. The remake matched the intensity of the original, but trumped it with a super-creepy storyline taken directly from the book and left absent, for some reason, in the prior effort.

And the winner is: The Remake.

Friday the 13^th: 1980 vs. 2009

1980	2009
Friday the 13th

Slasher films got their big break with this original body count flick from director Sean S. Cunningham with FX work by maestro Tom Savini. Shot for well under $1 million, Friday the 13^th grossed, in more ways than one, over $39 million in 1980 dollars. That’s over $100.2 million when adjusted for 2009 figures, which also happens to be the year Marcus Nispel’s remake hit. The 2009 version takes elements from part one (Jason’s psychotic mother), part two (Jason wearing a bag over his head), and part three (Jason’s iconic hockey mask), and blends them together into a series reboot. Made for $19 million, the remake’s worldwide totals registered a respectable $91 million, ensuring a sequel but failing to make the splash of the one that started it all.

And the winner is: The Original.

A Nightmare on Elm Street: 1984 vs. 2010

1984	2010
A Nightmare on Elm Street

Freddy Krueger attacked audiences the same year “The Night Stalker” Richard Ramirez claimed his first victim. Moviegoers all over the world felt terror both in and out of theaters as a madman stalked the streets in our world and a razor-gloved burn victim haunted the big screen. While Ramirez was eventually arrested for the 13 murders that rocked L.A. from June 1984 to August 1985, Krueger would go on to target over 25 years of teenagers in a number of sequels, a crossover, and one TV series. His most recent outing found Jackie Earle Haley wielding the knives once worn by Robert Englund. Englund’s last turn as Krueger came with Freddy vs. Jason, Ronnie Yu’s hit crossover. Like the other half of that dubious pairing, 2010’s A Nightmare on Elm Street rebooted the entire franchise (like the aforementioned Nispel Friday the 13^th reboot) breathing new life into a very tired series of films. The new Nightmare was fun to watch, and brought with it equal amounts of darkness and humor, though it finished more strongly than its predecessor.

And the winner is: The Remake.

The Last House on the Left: 1972 vs. 2009

1972	2009
The Last House on the Left

There is a difference between raw and incompetent. The original Last House on the Left had a touch of raw with a heaping dose of incompetence. Young director Wes Craven oversees poor cinematography and laugh-inducing, out of place musical cues to create multiple effects that take you out of the movie. Aside from that, it does boast cutting edge brutality and a clever concept: a murderous gang of thugs seek refuge in the home of two people whose child they raped and murdered. In 2009, the best parts of the 1972 version were expounded upon and turned into a tense and truly suspenseful thriller with a much better cast led by Tony Goldwyn and Monica Potter as the vengeful parents. Director Dennis Iliadis forces you to face the ugliness inside of yourself as he asks the question, “If bad people hurt someone you love, how far would you go to hurt them back?”

And the winner is: The Remake.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: 1974 vs. 2003

1974	2003
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Before he got a crack at Jason Voorhies, director Marcus Nispel cut his teeth on Leatherface. Kick-starting a franchise that had fallen quite far from its 1974 perch—with efforts like Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 3, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre: A New Beginning—Nispel cast promising young stars such as Jessica Biel and Eric Balfour and borrowed support from the veteran R. Lee Ermey (Full Metal Jacket) for a raw, dirty, intense revisit to the Texas back roads of Tobe Hooper’s original nightmare. Hooper makes use of a small cast of unknowns and really punches the true story angle for an unsettling look at what could be lurking in the hellish regions of our nightmares. The remake borders somewhat on torture porn, and while that makes for a no less scary good time at the movies, it doesn’t have quite the influence of the first manifestation of this flesh-wearing psychopath.

And the winner is: The Original.

The Thing: 1951 vs. 1982

1951	1982
The Thing

The Thing, or as it was known in 1951 The Thing from Another World, is a tense and claustrophobic thriller, a classic monster movie in every sense of the word. But when matched against its 1982 counterpart, it’s hard to pick the original in anything else but a nostalgia contest. John Carpenter, often heralded for his 1978 slasher film Halloween, turns in what is quite possibly his best film with this slick and bloody remake of the Christian Nyby original, which itself had been adapted from writer-editor John W. Campbell Jr.’s short story. Campbell had quite the resume before his death in 1971 having launched the career of such noted authors as Robert A. Heinlein. He was in his early forties when Nyby’s film released. He did not live to see Carpenter’s far superior effort that involves a team of scientists hunted by a nasty alien organism that slithers its way inside of a host only to break out into some weird bloodthirsty nastiness when in contact with heat. Unfortunately for our heroes, they’re stationed at an arctic post!

And the winner is: The Remake.

My Bloody Valentine: 1981 vs. 2009

1981	2009
My Bloody Valentine

Harry Warden was thought dead in a mining tragedy. When a rescue team found him, they discovered that Harry had been able to survive for days on human flesh. It would be the following Valentine’s Day before they discovered another little secret about Harry. Since the accident that trapped him had occurred due to Valentine’s Day carelessness on the part of some co-workers, Harry had a vendetta—one that he would carry out with a pickaxe if the town ever held another Valentine’s Day dance. In 1981, George Mihalka had to fight the MPAA tooth-and-nail over the excessive violence in his film. Director Patrick Lussier got away with a lot more in his 2009 remake. He also procured a better cast. But something about the proceedings look far too slick and polished. And when you view the original with all the cut footage spliced back in, the graphic gore and violence still holds up pretty well. Watch the uncut DVD, and you’ll agree…

And the winner is: The Original.

The Hitcher: 1986 vs. 2007

1986	2007
The Hitcher

A rainy desert road is the setting for this horror classic—as long as you’re talking about the original version with Rutger Hauer. In 2007, director Dave Meyers tried to recreate the magic with Sean Bean in the role of psychopath John Ryder. He also tried to switch gender roles of the protagonist. Instead of an uncommon male figure as in Eric Red’s screenplay, he went with the traditional female, effectively turning 2007’s attempt into a standard, gory, hacky horror movie that broke no new ground in its telling. The first film delivers enough gore and violence to satisfy modern sensibilities, but it exercises enough restraint to muster true suspense. The truck scene with Jennifer Jason Leigh stretched out between two semis is still a hallmark of terror, and the gritty showdown that closes out the film makes for a wonderful marriage of action and horror. The later effort is too by-the-numbers to be remembered.

And the winner is: The Original.

The Blob: 1958 vs. 1988

1958	1988
The Blob

To commemorate the thirtieth anniversary of the classic Steve McQueen-Aneta Corsaut sci-fi thriller, Hollywood produced a remake that stayed true to the spirit of the original while also delivering a heaping helping of the gory stuff for fans in need of more visual stimulation with their horror movies. Starring the beautiful Shawnee Smith and Kevin Dillon and directed by Chuck Russell, this effort is a textbook example of how to remake a classic and bring something new to the table. That’s not to say it’s the best version. The 1958 classic is still the quintessential exploration of cold war fears and scientific speculation. From the Big Red Menace threatening small town values, which, at that time, were the representation that America chose to embrace as its own, to the alien life form from the far reaches of space, The Blob is a movie filled with horror, wonder, and fun. Fifty years and two versions later—not to mention the 1972 sequel Beware! The Blob—you will still have a good time with this one.

And the winner is: The Original.

Horror movies, once you’ve seen around 1,000 of them, tend to telegraph the moment when something scary is going to jump out at you. However, the rare few make you lose bladder control in certain scenes and there’s not a darn thing you can do about it. These films are the reason we take our ladies to midnight horror movies, in hopes they will snuggle up close to us, and they’re also the reason we look like fools when we end up screaming louder than anyone else in the theater.

The following list is comprised of films which may or may not be shining examples of the genre, but they do have moments you just can’t be ready for the first time you see them.

13. The Horror Show (1989)

The plot: “Meat Clever” Max Jenke (Brion James) does some pretty horrible things to earn his nickname. When he’s put to death in the electric chair, something goes horribly wrong and his spirit haunts the detective, who thought he’d ended the reign of terror (Lance Henriksen in a rare good guy role).

Where you wet yourself: It happens when Detective Lucas McCarthy (Henriksen) is in bed with his wife. It has since been done to death, but the genuinely frightening features of James’ face will burn the scene into your memory.

The rest of the story: The Horror Show becomes a supernatural mess by the end, but it has some really great moments in the first 30 to 45.

12. House of the Devil (2009)

The plot: A young college student (Jocelin Donahue) in the ‘80s takes a babysitting gig way out in the country and soon discovers that she will not be watching a child at all. Terrifying developments follow in this terrific throwback film that salutes a simpler time when the worst could happen and we were afraid of everything.

Where you wet yourself: A supporting player gets 187’d in a most unexpected way. Terrific sound editing and use of sudden violence gets the blood moving and ratchets up the intensity for the rest of the film.

The rest of the story: Solid movie that takes great care of the ‘80s source material from which it is inspired, and really makes you believe the horror genre is alive and well.

11. Friday the 13th (1980)

The plot: A psychotic killer offs campers in the woods.

Where you wet yourself: The death of Kevin Bacon’s character is still a hard one to plan for. It follows none of the standard cues. No prep time or red herrings—just one moment he’s there and the next, boom, he’s getting sliced up! Nice work from director Sean S. Cunningham and effects man Tom Savini.

The rest of the story: The original Friday is still a fun ride from beginning to end. Feelings of nostalgia aside, the kills are in-your-face and creative, and as gruesome as it was for the time, it still did a fine job of playing to the imagination as you don’t even see the killer till the end of the movie.

10. Friday the 13th Part II (1981)

The plot: Since the events of the first movie, Camp Crystal Lake’s lone survivor has disappeared and a new group of campers set up close to the original murder site. More mayhem ensues, but this time, Jason wields the machete.

Where you wet yourself: Not many horror films of the time had the audacity to kill a young handicapped person on screen. Director Steve Miner not only shows the guts to do it, but he also features, in graphic detail, the damage a machete can do to a human face. Ick!

The rest of the story: Just as good as the first!

9. The Exorcist III (1990)

The plot: A police investigator (George C. Scott) tries to catch the elusive Gemini Killer (Brad Dourif), but slowly discovers the evil he is after is much more dangerous than flesh and blood.

Where you wet yourself: William Peter Blatty directs his own work this time around, and does a fantastic job with it. There are several disturbing scenes in this underrated sequel, but the best comes via the use of a long shot that he holds for around seven minutes before cutting in with the violence. It takes place in a hospital corridor, and it capitalizes on unbearable tension.

The rest of the story: Lots of good gore and imagery worthy of William Friedkin’s original make this perhaps one of the best horror films to not get its due from critics and audiences alike.

8. The Descent (2005)

The plot: A group of female outdoor enthusiasts explore a cave and discover a new race of creature intent on their destruction.

Where you wet yourself: As nasty and disturbing as the creatures waiting in the caves are, nothing gets you hopping out of that chair more than the car crash that Sarah (Shauna Macdonald) experiences in the film’s opening moments, which continue to haunt her after the initial tragedy. (Video is grainy.)

The rest of the story: Director Neil Marshall awards two camps of the horror genre with this disturbing effort that at once plays against the eerily dark surroundings of the cave allowing imagination to fill in the gaps, while also reverting to good old fashioned gore. It does both extremely well, and as such, ranks as a modern horror classic, especially when viewed with the original ending that is a lot less Hollywood and a lot more thought-provoking.

7. Suspiria (1977)

The plot: A young ballet student (Jessica Harper) suspects that her academy is a witch’s coven intent on murder and bringing Hell to earth.

Where you wet yourself: Heinous murder scenes come out of nowhere in the opening moments and continue to liven up the party throughout. The most startling comes as an ill-fated blind man and his seeing-eye dog go out for a nighttime stroll when evil strikes at a most unexpected time.

The rest of the story: Director Dario Argento’s effort is weak on story, but delivers the bloody goods in a stylish and evocative manner that makes it required viewing for horror fans everywhere.

6. Tenebre (1982)

The plot: A popular American horror author (Anthony Franciosa) comes to Rome for an international book tour and becomes the target of a killer recreating the murders of his latest novel.

Where you wet yourself: The last 20 minutes of Tenebre are among the most classic examples of the genre, marrying bloody horror with nail-biting suspense in a way seldom seen over the last 28 years since its release. The axe through the window that slices off the arm of one character, who then paints the wall with her own bloody stump, and the surprise waiting behind our detective as he stoops down to examine a piece of evidence add up to director Dario Argento’s true masterpiece.

The rest of the story: Argento’s films are always experiments in excessive sex and violence, pushing the envelope to the brink of what the genre can stand. In 1982, he was in his prime, and Tenebre is a perfect horror movie for modern sensibilities.

5. Aliens (1986)

The plot: Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) accompanies space marines to do battle with a horde of acid-spitting creatures from her original encounter on board the Nostromo.

Where you wet yourself: The nod goes to Bishop (Lance Henriksen), the crew’s newest android, who also happens to be much nicer than Ian Holm was in the original. This time around, Bishop survives a rather claustrophobic rescue mission only to get ripped in half in a jaw-dropping moment near the knock-down drag-out finale. It still has the power to jolt. Hats off to director James Cameron and the special effects wizardry of the late, great Stan Winston!

The rest of the story: Cameron’s film blends sci-fi, action, and horror with deep characterization and the captivating thread of motherhood to make this not only one of the best thrillers ever made, but also one of the best movies, period.

4. Alien (1979)

The plot: The crew of the mining ship Nostromo answers a possible distress signal and finds themselves shadowed by a ghastly creature of brutality, strength and intelligence.

Where you wet yourself: Two big scenes occur to really scare the willies out of you. The first is with an unexpected character death at the midway point, around the time the alien makes its first appearance. The second is the now legendary “birth” sequence involving actor John Hurt, a slimy and phallic looking monster, and a whole lot of blood.

The rest of the story: Completely different in theme from Cameron’s follow-up, this effort by director Ridley Scott is an amazing take on the horror film in space, a place where we learned that no one can hear you scream.

3. Don’t Look Now (1973)

The plot: A grieving couple mourns the death of their child until the husband (Donald Sutherland) begins to “see” the little girl roaming through the streets and alleyways of Venice.

Where you wet yourself: Sutherland tracks down the red phantom he thinks is his daughter for one final confrontation that proves bloody, terrifying, and heartbreaking all at once. It’s a hard combination to get right, but when the specter turns around and reveals itself to him, what you see will be burned into your brain forever [Spoiler alert in the video below].

The rest of the story: Based on the story by Daphne Du Maurier, this film is more of an erotic drama with horrific overtones than a full-blooded horror movie. Nevertheless, it stands out from other more direct interpretations of the genre, and will stick with you.

2. Alice Sweet Alice (1976)

The plot: A divorced Catholic woman works to prove her older daughter’s innocence when her younger child (Brooke Shields) is brutally butchered at first communion.

Where you wet yourself: The estranged father returns home to help solve the mystery of his youngest daughter’s death. He, too, doesn’t believe Alice (dynamite performance by Paula E. Sheppard) could be capable of such evil. His investigation leads him to a one-on-one confrontation with the masked killer. In a pivotal moment of truth moment, the mystery is solved, but not without first scaring us witless.

The rest of the story: The mask, likened best to a China doll, cannot hide the evil that hides underneath. When the killer wears it, genuine fear resonates from the audience. It’s the kind of face that makes you scared to walk into a darkened room alone.

1. An American Werewolf in London (1981)

The plot: A young American hiking through Europe loses his best friend (Griffin Dunne) in a werewolf attack. Bitten by the beast before its own demise, David (David Naughton) receives warnings that he will soon become a werewolf himself and continue the rampage.

Where you wet yourself: The opening attack on the English moors still works after all these years, as does the nerve-wracking finale in Piccadilly Circus. John Landis’ seminal work of horror features so many bright spots for fans of the genre: David’s bizarre fantasies of hunting deer in the woods or “changing” on his hospital bed; his “hallucinations” that Jack is a “walking meat loaf” encouraging him to commit suicide; the subway murder; and the changing scene that, thanks to the Oscar-winning FX of Rick Baker, still holds the title of “Greatest Werewolf Metamorphosis Ever.” But nothing quite gets you popping like those Nazi attack dreams that occur out of nowhere. And just when you think it’s over, Landis nails you again—influential, entertaining, and pulse-pounding.

The rest of the story: Quite possibly the best horror film ever made.

Horror-ble Mentions

The Shining (1980): Forget the dreadful mini-series; the Stanley Kubrick original is as wonderfully perverse as it gets. Follow Danny on his tricycle if you dare as he rolls down the hallway and discovers a wicked surprise in the bathtub of room 237.

Halloween (1978): Michael Myers’ shadowy appearance from the darkness behind Jamie Lee may have lost a little in the last three decades, but it’s still a cool scene that has only weakened in effect from years of playback as a Halloween favorite.

Daybreakers (2009): Kick-ass exploding head scene and creepiest looking vampires in quite some time make for one wild ride.

Pet Sematary (1989): Little Gage Creed wasn’t the scariest thing about this classic horror from the mind of Stephen King. That would have to go to Zelda. Take your eyes off the screen and she can’t get you!

The Burning (1981): A young George Costanza does battle with shear-wielding killer. The raft massacre is a modern horror gem.

Black Sabbath (1963): Creepiest old woman teaches us to stay away from dead people’s belongings.

Psycho II (1983): When Mother is in the house, make sure you don’t look through the peephole.

Scanners (1981): Mind-bending David Cronenberg sci-fi thriller still delivers the goods on exploding heads.

Creepshow (1982): Watch out, Sylvia Grantham. One abusive daddy corpse wants his Father’s Day cake, and he’ll claw through the dirt to get it.

Poltergeist (1982): Get that damn toy clown away from us.

Carrie (1976): Don’t go near the rubble, Amy Irving!

Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn (1987): Whatever that thing is, keep it in the freaking basement even if it does look like your sweet old mother.

The Ring (2002): The terror comes straight out of your VCR. Hurry up and switch to DVD!

1. The Evil Dead

Perhaps one of the best B movies of all time, The Evil Dead had a budget of only $375,000 but a genius director at the helm—Sam Raimi, who would go on to direct “Spider-Man” and produce “The Grudge.” Though it initially got slapped with an NC-17 rating for its brutal violence, the plot of the film is somewhat laughable—five Michigan State students are on vacation for the weekend and stumble across a demonic tape recording that releases evil spirits who plan to possess the students. If you can get past the gore, the movie and its sequels are definitely worth seeing—particularly “Army of Darkness,” though with its $11 million budget, it can’t quite fairly be called a B movie.

2. The Chooper

Does it really get any better than an absurdly comical horror movie with a rumored $500 budget? The best of the best might be The Chooper, otherwise known as “Blood Shack.” In the Ray Dennis Steckler gem, Carol inherits a ranch in the middle of nowhere and staunchly refuses to sell it to anyone who may want it, despite the fact that a legendary Native American creature known as “The Chooper,” who appears to be part ninja and part grumpy old man, is living on the grounds and killing whoever happens to step wrong on the property. Comic gold is littered everywhere in the movie, especially in a seemingly random, stretched-out scene at the town rodeo. Why are they there? When will the plot return? No one seems to know.

3. Freez’er

Almost no one has ever heard of it, but Freez’er is truly a hidden treasure. If you’re a fan of puns, you’ll enjoy the title—J.M., the film’s main character, is devastated by his wife’s death, can barely cope without her, and—well—let’s just say a freezer is involved. The acting is absolutely atrocious, which is part of the movie’s charm; each line is delivered as if the character were reading it as part of a phonics program. “Freez’er” was also written and directed by the same person, a near-guarantee of a fantastically horrible movie.

4. Orgy of the Dead

This film was the brainchild of Ed Wood—need I say more? Fine, fine. Orgy of the Dead is exactly what it sounds like—a man and his girlfriend go to a cemetery for inspiration (he’s a writer; pull your mind out of the gutter, please), but instead of finding great ideas, they find a bunch of expired exotic dancers, who put on one of the most gruesomely terrible performances in cinematic history for the couple. The movie doesn’t quite have the makings of a classic, but if you can manage to get through it, you’ll probably feel pretty good about yourself.

5. The Killer Tongue

It’s tempting to just let the plot summary from IMDB tell all for this one—the movie “involves a woman hiding out with four pastel-colored poodles in a desert gas station,” which is good enough, but then “a meteorite crashes near the station, transforming the woman into an alien being with a gigantic, voracious tongue, and her poodles are transformed into four drag queens.” Sign me up! The woman’s name, of course, is Candy.

6. Killer Klowns from Outer Space

Warning—if you’ve harbored a secret fear of clowns since childhood, you should probably pass this one by. In a nutshell, murderous extraterrestrial clowns invade a small town and go on a total rampage, confined only by their clownish tendencies to kill with common circus foodstuffs such as popcorn and cotton candy. The townspeople are too dumb to figure out what’s going on, so it’s up to a few sly teenagers to shut the freaks down. It’s too bad the robots of MST3K never got to this movie, but it’s easy enough to fill in the snide comments by yourself.

7. C.H.U.D.

8. Frankenstein vs. the Creature from Blood Cove

A list of top B horror movies would never be complete without at least one film that features competing monsters. Everyone knows that when one horrible monster doesn’t make a movie awful enough, the solution is to throw in at least one more and see what happens. In Frankenstein vs. the Creature from Blood Cove, that strategy works out beautifully. In classic Frankenstein style, the monsters in the film are manufactured by an insane human (oh, those humans… will they ever learn?) and make it their goals to spread as much havoc as possible. Did I mention that a werewolf is also involved?

9. The Blob

With a title like The Blob you know you’re in for a treat before the movie even starts. A plot summary isn’t even necessary for this glorious piece of work—suffice it to say that a giant and malevolent gob of jelly is on the loose, and if you’re nearby, you’re in trouble. When you think about it, there’s really no better idea for a horror movie villain—faceless and shapeless is the scariest, after all.

10. Them!

Straight out of the vintage era, Them! is a movie about mutant ants that did the impossible by landing an Oscar nomination for best effects and actually winning an Oscar for best sound editing. It’s well known that no part of any B movie is supposed to actually be good enough to catch the attention of the Academy, but as this movie was made in 1954, it’s slightly excusable. “Them!” is the gold standard for dozens of other B movies and nails every criterion you could ever ask for in such a film—great plot? Check. “WTF” moments? Check. Acting that doesn’t make you want to die? Check. Party and popcorn potential? Double check. If you’re looking for one of the very best of the originals, dig up this sucker and start spinning it.

Not all horror movies are created equal. Indeed the success or failure of a horror movie often depends on how terrifying (or sometimes likeable) the “villain” is. So here we present those villains who have given us bad dreams, great one-liners, and sometimes even bladder control problems.

15. Melvin Hubble – In 2003, indie horror director, Amy Lynn Best, turned out a movie called Severe Injuries, which took the classic horror formula of lots of terror with some good one-liners and turned it on its head, essentially making a comedy with lots of gore. At the center of Severe Injuries is the bungling homicidal maniac, Melvin Hubble, who is trying to do his family proud by slaying an entire sorority house. Horror-filled hijinks ensue.

14. The Blair Witch – What makes The Blair Witch one of the greatest villains is that there was actually no Blair Witch. We never saw her. Never had a body count. Not even a drop of blood (well, one scene with an ear or something). Instead, the Blair Witch was built on the fear and panic that could happen. And sometimes, that is enough.

13. Leprechaun – What happens when you cross St. Patrick’s Day and Halloween? Leprechaun, that’s what. When Dan O’Grady gets between a Leprechaun and his pot of gold, it’s all out, green-knuckle fury. Proof positive that terrifying things can come in small packages, Leprechaun will have you thinking green for days. Bonus: It features Jennifer Aniston before she was Queen of America.

12. Cujo – While the average adult male Saint Bernard will consume about 70 pounds of food a month, Cujo is no average Saint Bernard. Rabid to the bone, Cujo eats anything in his path, including family members, local villagers, and a few small cars. Domestics, no less!

11. Chucky – Young Andy Barclay’s Good Guy doll is anything but good. Containing the spirit of serial killer Charles Lee Ray (aka, The Lakeshore Strangler) that was put there via voodoo curse, Chucky comes to life. And this doll is not playing games.

10. Pumpkinhead – Witches. Conjured demons. Revenge. Pumpkinhead has all the ingredients for horror movie success. Even the name is perfect. While the demon at hand doesn’t actually have a pumpkin for a head, the name will ensure that, at the end of October for years to come, Pumpkinhead will be scaring the bejeebers out of you!

9. Regan MacNeil – Sure, the name doesn’t sound horrifying. And looking at 12-year-old Regan at the beginning of The Exorcist wouldn’t give you any clue that she would go on to play one of the most terrifying roles in movie history. When the young Regan is possessed by a demon, she is, at once, both the enemy and the victim. Profane in every sense of the term (by 1973 standards), The Exorcist is one of the most award winning films in history – a rare feat for the horror genre. It’s almost enough to make little Regan’s head spin!

8. Jigsaw – Part psychological thriller, part horror film, the Saw movies have been so successful because of one man: Jigsaw. Rather than taking the conventional path of cutting off heads or skewering people, he puts people in positions to kill each other or be killed themselves. It’s brilliant, really… wickedly, wickedly brilliant.

7. Freddy Krueger – You know that when Freddy Krueger shows up on the list, it’s game on. Director, Wes Craven, had been building his credentials for years, but when he unleashed Freddy Krueger on the world, he changed the face of horror movies forever. Star of the Nightmare on Elm Street films, Krueger kills you in your sleep. Then you wake up dead, sort of. Along with “Jason” Voorhees, Freddy ruled the ’80s horror scene.

6. Pinhead – Any time a movie trailer starts with, “From the mind of Clive Barker…” you know you won’t be getting any sleep that night. Such is the case with his most famous bogeyman: Pinhead. Star of Hellraiser, Pinhead hits the terror trifecta: S&M demons, human sacrifice, and zombies. Just simmer and serve.

5. Nosferatu – Before Freddy. Before Jason. Before Leatherface. Heck, even before movies even had sound, there was Nosferatu. Taking his spot as the oldest movie villain on the list, Max Schreck turned in a performance as Count Orlock that was a watershed moment in horror movie history. Based on Bram Stoker’s book Dracula, Nosferatu has a dark cinematic quality that horror movies of today spend a lot of time and money trying to achieve. Originally released in 1922, you could say it was a little ahead of its time.

4. Jack Torrence – Until this point, our bad guys have taken lots of shapes: demons, dolls, dogs, even little girls. Perhaps no villain decorates more dorm room walls that Jack Torrence, innkeeper turned ax-welding maniac. It’s hard to pinpoint Jack Nicholson’s best role or Stanley Kubrick’s best movie; but when the two came together to bring Stephen King’s The Shining to life, however, the result was a match made in cinema hell.

3. Jason Voorhees – Don’t let the “Voorhees” part throw you, this is the Jason. With superhuman strength, crazy mad skills with a machete and whatever garden tools might be at hand, Jason is a horror movie legend. Rising from the waters of Camp Crystal Lake, where he drown as a young boy, Jason systematically dismembers anyone who gets in his way. He, alone, is the reason we wear hockey masks on Halloween.

2. Leatherface – Picking up a hitchhiker in front of a slaughterhouse, while on your way to visit your grandfather’s grave used to be a lot of fun until 1974, when John Carpenter Tobe Hooper unleashed Leatherface on the world. Gunner Hansen landed the role of a lifetime as the star of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The role fit so well, Hansen has wielded a chainsaw in at least one movie every decade since. Just the same, it is Leatherface that still makes the kids cry… and a few of the adults, too.

1. Michael Myers – The thing that makes Michael Myers of Halloween the number one villain on our list is the raw, indiscriminate way he goes about killing. He’s not out for revenge. He’s doesn’t have a particular target. He’s a lunatic that just stabs, crushes, and rips the heads off of anybody and anything that gets in his way. No one is safe… ever. What could be more awesomely terrifying than that? How about 6 sequels!